Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
