dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
