He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
