he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize