If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
