sarcasm needs its own font
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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