Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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