the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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