I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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