mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
