I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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