Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
