Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
