i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
