I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
