So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think i got beer on your cat.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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