if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
