So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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