Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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