Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
