Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
