What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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