I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
