Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
