btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Randomize
