The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
