I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize