My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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