Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
