What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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