I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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