All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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