just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
