someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Your penis caused this!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
