Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
