I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Randomize
