I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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