Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
