Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
