its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
