One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
