i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
