i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
