Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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