So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize