he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize