i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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