I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
zippers are such a cool invention
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Randomize
