we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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