Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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