What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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