So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
