I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
