Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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