i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my liver is dry heaving
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