why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
