the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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