i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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