it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
