We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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