So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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