I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize